The Rambler

I have a feeling this will be closer to one of those "dear diary" moments.

You know that hazy sense of semi-reality that hits you when your body wants to tell you that its running out of steam and urging you to quit for the day? I think I'm there. I love it. I'm a firm believer that when you reach this state, that citadel of self-preservation, self-awareness...of 'self' itself crumbles - the result: all the fiction in your personality dissolves, and you're left with a distilled 'you'. I get this feeling most when travelling. It's great! If you ever want to meet me at my most real, meet me on my travels.

I'm going to France in a few minutes, which I feel mixed about. I can't wait to spend some time with my family...the way our timetables fit together just doesn't allow it - but it has been a long summer. A fantastic summer overall, despite the obvious dips, but I'm ready to get started in September now. I miss regularly seeing so many people, regularly doing what I feel I do best. Working purely in an office environment is simply not for me - it's a necessary part of my job, but if it was the only part, I think I'd go mad. I'm rambling.

This holiday is a great chance to refocus. I don't feel like I've been truly living selflessly for God in the fast few weeks. That needs to change. A inspirational man of God reminded me of this passage the other day:

Psalm 37:4 (New International Version)

⁴ Delight yourself in the LORD

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

It's amazing how one verse can cause you to crumble. To use a bit of Christian jargon, I felt a little convicted reading this. The desires of my heart don't seem particularly significan't in comparison to the way God has blessed me in the last two years.

I'm sorry if I've rambled. The opening paragraph was a little bit of a warning. But like I said, here you get me at my most real! Time to go :)

Positioning

Have you ever looked at where you are in relation to other people? Reaallyy? For me, the last month has been like a game of personal hide and seek - I've been missing quite a few aspects of who I am, but it seems like they've got bored of hiding themselves and, like many attention-deprived children, have jumped out with screams and shouts and are already preparing themselves for a different game altogether. I learnt so much in the last month. I'll try and explain:

A month ago today. Ethos resurface. A little rusty to say the least, playing at an event in Reading. The tshirt tan begins, skin is uncomfortably forced to reacquaint itself with sunburn. I was reminded of how passionate I am about the guys in the band - a reinvigorated worshipper, excited about the month ahead.

The following day. Great day at church picnic. Laptop slides from waivering case and headbutts the floor. No life in the laptop. Worst thing ever. Definitely made the following statement: "Ah well, it's only a material possession, it doesn't mean anything ultimately." I wish I'd meant it.

Next few days selfishly mourning the loss of laptop. Spoilt westerner. Should believe what I read in the Bible.

Following Wednesday. Laptop forgotten. Now mourning the loss of a friend. Understood the importance of the casual remark I'd made previously. Learnt the value and fleeting nature of life. Learnt the selfishness involved with my own preoccupation. Some people have to deal with this kind of death on an almost weekly basis, and I'm distraught about a girl I should've treated better.

Prayer meeting, youth meeting, Sunday. Dealt with a lot. Learnt how people align themselves in such unexplainable ways. Life is a minefield. We gather closely together through love, even though that proximity puts us directly in range of an emotional explosion if even one is lost. Tempted to walk from the minefield. To find space and safety. God reminded me that love is worth the risk, as is the potential damage and pain that can be caused. I would rather position myself in the minefield of close friendships than in the safety of solitude.

Albania. Incredible opportunities. Radio interviews, Posters and leaflets with our pictures on, concerts and conference. Worshipping with a new generation in an emerging nation. Learnt that Romans 8:28 isn't just a comfort verse. The team were phenomenal. There was a new maturity, a new focus on the team. The week before was a stark reminder of the importance of salvation. Learnt that Ethos has reached the point of realising potential and members are realising that they are in fact realising it after all. Got that?

Funeral. Best worst time ever. Bittersweet. Desperately heart-wrenching, deeply depressing - yet, at same time, it was the most uplifting of funerals. Amazing turn out, heart pulled back into place and warmed a little by the effort, love and great lengths involved to make the best of an awful day. Learnt that to leave this earth having made a similar impact to Angharad Clague would be a privilege.

Chicago. Eye-opener. Awe-inspiring church building. Exceptional speakers. Blindsided by the level of excellence that Willow Creek operate at. Unshakable feeling in the pit of my stomach as I envision Kerith Community Church and the future that lays before it. Learnt that we are doing brilliantly, but we can still do better. We can always do better. Fantastic host family. Have never been made to feel so at home by a host-family before. Learnt that the ukulele is actually pretty cool! Did not anticipate a series of perfect evenings and an unforgettable Saturday to accompany a life-changing conference. Learnt that moving away, whilst intimidating, would not be so out of the question. Learnt that servant hearts really do transcend cultural subtleties - also learnt that Americans don't say "half-six", "quarter-to-four" etc. What's up with that?!

It's been an incredible month. To summarise, I realised that my position in this world is neither set, stable, or sufficient. There is so much more to do, so much more to see and so much more to learn. In relation to some, I am a big fish - whilst to others, I am too small to be worthy of being called a fish...maybe a 'cell' would be more appropriate. I have learnt the value of friendship both at home and internationally.

I have learnt that being a Christian isn't easy. But it is exciting. The most exciting, stressful and rewarding years of my life have been the last two. Two years and 5 days to be exact. I have realised that whilst pain is unavoidable, so is the unshakable realisation of God's love in my life.

Bring it on.

A Walk To Remember

Today had seemed to be just another Sunday. Church in the morning, lunch at the Cottee's (a fairly regular occurrence) and church in the evening. That was the plan. Granted, there were more than a few tears, as you would expect from a church mourning the loss of a deeply valued member, but nothing more. I'll be honest, I found this morning's meeting extremely difficult. Again, the 'how dare I be this upset about Annie's death? I don't deserve to be...' feeling emerged, which only made things worse - but that was only fleeting. The time at the Cottee's house was (as always) brilliant, but something unusual happened today. I decided to walk home.

Now, now. Hold your shock. Dawid Niemiec had my keys, and I didn't really want to get a lift from anyone. In truth, a walk didn't seem like such a bad idea. Lots to process and all that.

It's around three miles from the Cottee's home to my own, and incredibly scenic. Pictures below:

It was probably the most therapeutic walk home I've ever had. The views were staggering; the weather was phenomenal - that on its own would have been enough to make the journey home a good one. However, it just so happens that in the three miles that connect the two houses, many of my most treasured memories reside.

I remembered jogging up and down this road on a regular basis, until my legs were weak, and my lungs felt like they were giving up on me. I needed to. After all, I was going to play rugby for England, so I needed to be fit. This road remembers that determination. Further on, I remembered one of the best conversations I think I've ever had. Lounging in the shade beneath the trees, I remember discussing what my house would look like, what I would do when I finished university, what my children would be called. This road remembers my hopes and dreams. I remembered one of the first kisses I'd ever experienced as I walked past the hallowed ground; an idyllic footpath hidden from onlookers - that's important when you're fourteen you know. This road remembers the naivety of that teenage romance. Today it simply reminded me that it still did.

Today this road became aware of Annie. It became aware of who she was, how she impacted people and all the things I should've said to her but couldn't quite summon the courage to when the opportunity arose. Today, this road will remember my tears at twenty-one and my conversation with God as I simply asked: "why did you choose this girl at this time?!" In the future, this road will remind me, just as God did today, that the Lord knows the plans he has for me. That my God has plans to give me hope, plans to give me a future. That irrespective of my lack of understanding, good will come from this. In the future, this road will remind me of the excitement I felt today as I put my grief and my questioning aside and looked at the sensational impact that Annie's life has had, as well as the posthumous impact it is still having and will continue to have in the future.

Today this road will remember how I dealt with a lot of things as I walked from one house to another. It will remember how I stopped questioning God; stopped questioning unalterable events and started honouring Annie's memory by worshipping God with a passion and fervour that I've never had before. Today was a walk to remember.

Annie

Last night, we lost a treasured member of our community. Angharad Clague was involved in a tragic car accident and unfortuntely, didn't make it.


For the last 26 hours or so I have felt numb. I don't remember the last time I cried so much, and slept so little. I've never had to cope with a loss this suddent before. I don't really think I am coping in all honesty.


I feel sick. I feel sick because I feel like this, yet was nowhere near as close to her as many of my other friends. I feel sick because I don't feel like I deserve to be crying so much when, in the years I'd known her, I'd taken her for granted so much.


I feel blessed that I got to spend the last year working with, and getting to know her.


I've had the privilege of taking part in a theology training course, known as 'FP'. Every month, for three days, Annie, George Barnett, Dawid Niemiec and I would travel to Wimbledon, meet with other 'FP-ers' and learn more about subjects surrounding our faith. It was fantastic for many reasons, but something I drastically underestimated was the importance of the car journeys with Annie to and from the training base. In particular, I can't shake the memories of our conversations when it was just the two of us travelling to and from Wimbledon. I had such an amazing insight into the Annie I'd never known before.


Annie and I didn't get on particularly well this time last year. Conversations were strained, and I really believed the training was going to be awful. However, the more I spent time with her, the more I began to appreciate her - I saw an amazing change in her with regards to her faith over the last year. I count myself extremely privileged to have been able to work in the same office as her, to see her constantly praying for people on Friday nights and Sundays, and really begin to get to know her.


This is where the feeling sick bit comes in. There is so much I loved about Annie, but I never told her. The thing is, it's easy to moan about idiosyncrasies and the like in a person when, in your eyes at least, they're going to live forever. I feel so much guilt for the things I said - for doubting her a year ago. The only comfort with this is that I did get a chance to tell her on our last journey to training together how immensely impressed I was with the person that she was. But that wasn't enough. She was astonishing.


Tonight we held a prayer meeting at Kerith Community Church to really reflect on her life. I've never seen it so packed out. I'm just overwhelmed by her phenomenal impact on the kids work, the youth groups, the adults. I'm overwhelmed by the impact her death has made on me. It's amazing how much you realise how much you appreciate people when you lose the opportunity to talk to them.


I keep thinking to myself 'I'll tell Annie how much I appreciate her when I see her'. But I'm not going to. I need to process that really. I know that God has a plan for us - for this situation. I can't understand or fathom it, but I believe it. In all honesty, I don't feel like I deserve to write about her, but I need to pay tribute to her. I will miss her more than I could possibly have imagined...which again, just makes me pray for the people that knew her far, far better than I did. My prayers are with you.


And the parents. Anne and Bill. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I don't know Anne, but Bill is one of my favourite people at church. We regularly play in the worship team together, he puts up with all the financial issues I cause him, and visits the creative arts office pretty much everyday for a chat about something or other. He is a fantastic man and I am so devastated that both he and Anne would be subject to such a horrific tragedy. I pray that we would exemplify 'community' in the coming weeks, and that as that community we can help ease the pain as much as possible. The Clagues are such a blessing to us all.

The Big Picture

Every consequence has an action that begins it. Every l e t t e r and every space on this page is the consequence of pressing labelled buttons on a keyboard. My personality is the consequence of the actions of other people - I play guitar because my step-brother left one in my dad’s living room once. I’m pretty good at maths because when my mum was getting to know my step-dad he used to teach it to me...which in turn led to a strong relationship with him. I don’t use abbreviations when I type because when I was 13 or 14 I used them so much that I had to constantly go back and correct my essays. I can picture the business studies classroom - I can even picture the computer I was sat at when I made that decision. Such a small action helped define a small part of who I am.

Looking further back, I am the consequence of two people deciding they wanted to have children together. Their actions (in not too much detail please) resulted in my very existence. Every breath that you take is the result of a series of actions over thousands of years making you into you, at the time and place you’re in.

Ok. I think that’s pretty mind-blowing. There is nothing on this planet that isn’t the consequence of some sort of action, and every action is the result of a previous action, which was the consequence of another action, and so on. Still with me?

So let’s talk about the big picture. Imagine a blank white canvas. With the right materials, you could paint anything you wanted on there. It could look beautiful. But what if you don’t have any paint? What if you had no materials whatsoever? Suddenly, it becomes physically impossible to create anything. Let me ask you a bigger question:

How was the universe created from nothing?

The blank white canvas analogy only works to a certain extent - it’s not like the universe was there, but purely white when it began...the ‘canvas’ of the universe didn’t even exist! Not only can you not paint with no paint, you can’t even think about painting if you don’t have a canvas to paint on! Excuse my rambling, but what I'm getting at is that the universe must surely be a consequence of a previous action. Scientists tell us that the Big Bang is that action. But to what is the Big Bang a consequence of if there was nothing?

Surely it has to be God. As Wayne Grudem summarizes, ‘God has no beginning, end or succession of moments in his own being, and he sees all time equally vividly, yet God sees events in time and acts in time.’ God is the exception - It can only be God who does not follow these rules. Only God who is not restricted by actions or consequences, or by space, time or matter.

Remember the former things, those of long ago;

I am God, and there is no other;

I am God, and there is none like me.

I make known the end from the beginning,

from ancient times, what is still to come. 


I say: My purpose will stand, 


and I will do all that I please.

Isaiah 46:9-10

Surely it follows that it’s more plausible that God did create the universe than it is that God didn’t create the universe? Surely only God can be the artist behind the big picture?

I'll leave you with a quote from a scientist named Francis Colins in his book The Language of God:

We have this very solid conclusion that the universe had an origin, the Big Bang. Fifteen billion years ago, the universe began with an unimaginably bright flash of energy from an infinitesimally small point. That implies that before that, there was nothing. I can't imagine how nature, in this case the universe, could have created itself. And the very fact that the universe had a beginning implies that someone was able to begin it. And it seems to me that had to be outside of nature.

I know what I believe!

Poland, People and Photoshoots

Last week I had the privilege of travelling to Poland with Ben Davies. Ben was the Senior Pastor at Kerith Community Church for 43 years before he handed it over to Simon in 2007 (I think it was 2008 - before I was a part of the church anyway!). Being 49 years my senior, it was fascinating to hear the seemingly endless stream of stories that Ben had for almost every situation...all I can say is that I just hope that I have as many stories to tell when I'm 70! It was also great to see him in 'leadership' mode with some of the fantastic people from the church in Poland, got lots of notes!

Definite highlights include Ben holding a machine gun and having lunch with Dawid's family. For those of you that don't know Dawid, he's the tall Polish legend that has been working at Kerith with us for the last year!

I was also struck by the sense of global community that I found. The more I travel (particularly in a Christian context), the more I'm amazed by the love that people have for each other. Although at most points we required a translator to communicate with each other, people were genuinely interested in looking after you, talking to you and hearing what you had to say. I hope I get to experience that a lot more in the future.

It also needs to be said that I have the most awesome job! How many jobs combine writing, arranging, teaching and playing music, working with people from between the ages of 8 and 60, songwriting with 11-16 year olds one minute to a photo shoot the next?! Bring on Albania - less than a month to go!

UPDATE

So at the start of my blog, I listed some of the places I wanted to be. I thought it was time for an update.

Kerith Worship Academy - we're weeks away from finishing the trial run of the Kerith Worship Academy guitar course; and it has been an exceptional success! I can say that happily because I have seen the results of running this course. There are some fantastic young musicians now integrated into the Revolution team; youngters that I think will play a pivotal role in the future of the worship team. Exciting stuff! All the promotional material is finished now and being processed. The job now is to get enrolled in the course and good to go! Can't wait to start the drums, keyboard and vocal courses in September. Beginning work on the level two guitar course...very very excited indeed!

Revolution - After months of planning, we spent some time recruiting new members to the Revolution team. There are now just under 30 members in Revolution, and we had our first dual band rehearsal last week. Well on the way to where we want to be! The structure of the rehearsal has changed significantly, and it seems to be having a really positive impact on the team as a whole. I'm looking forward to seeing where we are in another few months!

Ethos - The preparation has begun for the Albania tour in July, It's going to be fantastic! The team that is going is incredible; and everyone has something good to offer. We are so far ahead of where we are in terms of planning compared to last year, I have a really good feeling about what is going to do when we're away!

Resound - It needs to be said that we have the best team that you could ask for. We've got some huge changes coming over the next few months, as well as looking forward to taking things to another level at the conferences this year! I've spent the last two weeks working on some behind the scenes stuff, and I'm really pleased with the results! There is a fantastic dynamic both in and out of the office, and we're all really excited about seeing where we'll be in another year or so!

My biggest problem is that I'm always looking a year ahead. Don't get me wrong, I'm really proud of where we are now, but I just can't resist thinking about where we could be in a year's time! Can't wait!